


Oh Dear You Look So Lost

by kelsayyxo145



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 03:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelsayyxo145/pseuds/kelsayyxo145
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall Horan is 1/5 of the biggest boyband in the world. He performs for thousands of people and travels all over the world with his four best friends. He should be happy, right? Wrong. Lately he is far from happy, and he finds himself slipping away piece by piece. His smile is fake, his laugh is forced, and he's never fully "there" anymore. But then once the thought of self harm pops into his head, it doesn't leave. And slowly he finds himself being pulled further and further into the darkness. When Zayn notices somethings wrong, will he be able to save him? Or is he too far gone to be rescued?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh Dear You Look So Lost

It’s strange how quickly life changes. How people change. One minute everything is great, you’re happy. And then as time goes on, you realize that happiness is gone. Just like that. You don’t even see it coming. Your laugh is no longer genuine. Your smile is forced. And all you want to do is be alone. Curl up in your room and never come out. And no matter how hard you try to be happy, no matter how many times you tell yourself you should be happy, you cant. It’s like your life has turned dark, dreary, and you’re struggling to find that light you once knew. And then, you find something to take the pain away. Distract you from all the emotions and sadness you have bottled up. But what you don’t realize until it’s too late is that it just makes it worse. Drags you deeper into this pit of darkness that you’re becoming trapped in. It destroys you. That’s my life. 

We just arrived back at the hotel from going out to eat dinner together after the show. I couldn’t help but want time to hurry up so I could get back to the hotel and be by myself. We went to a small pizza place we came across and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. I kept a smile on my face and made jokes like usual so right now I don’t think anyone suspects anything. And I don’t want them to know. They can’t know. I mean I’m supposed to be happy right? I’m Niall Horan, 1/5 of One Direction. We have millions of fans who we get to perform for, we've won tons of awards and we travel all over the world. We’re living everyone’s dream. So I can’t help but feel stupid and selfish for feeling this way. 

We walked through the lobby of the hotel towards the elevators. It was really fancy and nice, soft red carpeted floors, cream colored walls, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and artwork decorating the walls. We hopped in the elevator and made our way up to the 20th floor. The elevator dinged and the doors opened and I headed straight towards my room. 

Thank god we all got our own rooms this time. It’s the only time I have where I don’t have to pretend. Where I can break down and let it all out. I was just about to go in my room when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see it was Zayn.

“You wanna come hang with us in my room? Were just gonna relax and watch some movies for a little while.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m really exhausted. I think I’m just gonna go get some sleep. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

He just stared at me for a minute with a semi concerned look on his face, trying to figure out if I was alright and if he should push the conversation more. “Well, alright, but if you change your mind come on over. See ya in the morning” he said and turned and went back to his room

As soon as I was in mine, I shut and locked the door and then threw myself on the bed. I laid there for who knows how long just staring at the ceiling thinking. I was exhausted not only physically but mentally as well. I couldn’t help but wish I could just stay like this forever. Like I could stop time for a while. I wouldn’t have to get up and put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay, I wouldn’t have to do anything. I needed a break. 

After laying there for a while I decided to at least change and put something more comfortable on. I got up and reached into my blue suitcase that was lying in the corner of the room and took out a t-shirt sweatpants and my bag with my toothbrush and things in it, and then headed to the bathroom. After I got done changing I reached into my bag for my toothbrush and noticed something else.

My razor. 

For some reason, it now just clicked in my brain. The thought came out of nowhere and now that it was in my head, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it out. 

I pulled out the razor from my bag and sat down on the bathroom floor and just stared at it for a few minutes. All my sadness, all these emotions bottled up inside, this could make it better. At least that’s what I thought. I put the razor on the floor, stood up, picked up my shoe, and smashed it to pieces. I sat back down and held the little razor in the palm of my hand just thinking, and then I took it pressed it to my wrist and slid it across.

It stung a bit but it was almost like a good kind of pain. It felt like all my emotions were being released. Like for a second everything slowed down and I could breathe again because all I was focused on was this. I sat there for a minute and just watched the blood drip from the cut before taking the razor and making another and another and another until I had 6 cuts on my arm.

I sat there for a little longer enjoying the relaxing feeling it gave me and just watching the blood drip to the floor before I got up and got some tissues. I pressed them to my cuts and held them there until the bleeding slowed down, and then I wiped up the mess on the floor. I didn’t even bother brushing my teeth, I just went and laid down on my bed.

I pulled the duvet cover up to my neck and burrowed down into the warmth. I couldn’t help but let the negative thoughts come pouring into my head again. Every night it was the same thing.

“You’re not good enough”

“You’re the ugliest one in the band”

“The boys are secretly sick of you, they don’t like you anymore”

“No one wants you in the band”

“You don’t deserve to be in the band”

“No one would care if you left”

“No one would care if you died”

I kept telling myself these things weren’t true, but that didn’t make them stop spinning around in my head.

I felt the tears start trickling down my cheeks and before I knew it I was sobbing into my pillow, clutching onto it like my life depended on it . After a few hours I was worn out from crying and drifted off into a deep sleep.

* * *

*banging on the door*

“Niall get up we have an interview in an hour!”

“Niall!”

I groaned and pulled the pillow over my head trying to block out Liams knocking and yelling but it was no use.

“Ugh alright alright I’m getting up!” I yelled back, my voice filled with annoyance

I ripped the covers off and stumbled out of bed and over to my suitcase. I pulled out boxers a t-shirt my sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. I quickly changed, brushed my teeth and tugged a brush through my hair, grabbed my phone, and left. 

As soon as I opened the door, I was met with angry glances from all the boys. 

Louis rolled his eyes. “It’s about time were gonna be late!” 

Liam looked the most aggravated out of all of them. “I was outside your door yelling and knocking for 15 minutes Niall.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Sorry I was tired it’s not a big deal. Let’s just go”

Liam still looked upset but he let it go. 

We all headed down to the lobby and into the SUV and off to the studio for our interview. I was hoping they let me keep my sweatshirt on for the interview because of the damage I had done to my arm the night before. I definitely don’t regret it though.

I was quiet for most of the car ride. I was sitting next to Zayn and Liam, Harry and Louis were in the back. Harry and Lou were goofing off like always and Liam was texting someone, probably Danielle. 

I was staring ahead of me when I felt Zayn lightly elbow me in the side.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear so no one else would hear.

“You alright? You’re really quiet. You’ve been acting kinda strange lately.”

I so badly wanted to just blurt everything out, but instead I just shrugged and whispered back

“Yeah I’m fine just tired.”

I don’t think he really believed me but he didn’t push it any further. Thankfully the car pulled up to the studio and we all got out. 

We were immediately rushed into hair and makeup and then pushed out onto the stage for the interview. Roughly an hour later it was over. I have to admit I zoned out through most of it. I nodded and answered questions when they asked me, but then went back into my own little world. I tried to keep my smile up throughout it but I’m really not sure if I did.

The rest of the day blurred on by. We went to a restaurant for lunch and then decided to go do some shopping. We all just walked around the city, took pictures with fans when they asked, and went into a bunch of different shops. I didn’t buy anything, If I’m honest I wasn’t really paying attention to much, but everyone else bought some clothes, sneakers, and Liam bought himself a new hat. 

After a few hours I suggested we head back to the hotel and all the boys agreed. In the elevator on the way up to our rooms Louis suggested we hang in his room and play video games. The elevator dinged and we all headed down the hallway but instead of stopping at Louis’ room I kept on towards mine. 

I heard shouts behind me and sighed and stopped.

“Niall where are you going?” Zayn asked with a confused look on his face

Louis actually looked quite sad. “Don’t you wanna come play video games with us?”

I felt kind of bad about ditching them again but I just wasn’t in the mood, I wanted to be alone and I had other plans for myself. So once again I lied.

“Sorry guys I’m just not feeling too good right now I’m gonna go lay down for a little while.”

Liam and Harry exchanged a concerned look and looked back at me. 

“Are you okay? Do you think you're getting sick?” Liam asked. He was always so concerned about everyone

“I think it’s just from being tired I’m fine I’ll see you guys later” And with that I went in my room and shut the door. Immediately the idea popped in my head again and I knew what I wanted to do. The thought calmed me as I headed into the bathroom

* * * 

Zayns POV

We were all sitting in Louis ’room hanging out.

Louis and Harry were on the floor and me and Liam were on the little couch. Louis’ and Harry were currently playing Fifa and it was pretty funny to watch because Harry was getting upset because he kept losing.

“Louis stop cheating!” Harry yelled for probably the tenth time

“Harry stop being a sore loser you can’t even cheat at this game!” Louis yelled back with a grin on his face. Louis always enjoyed watching Harry get upset over losing

Liam was next to me laughing at how amusing they were. Me on the other hand? I couldn’t help but let my thoughts drift to Niall. He had been acting extremely weird lately, blowing us off and saying he felt sick or tired. He didn’t look happy, his smile and laugh seemed forced all the time, he just wasn’t himself. 

I took the opportunity of Louis and Harry being distracted and turned to Liam. 

“Hey Liam can I ask you something?” 

“Yeah sure whats up?” 

“Umm...have you noticed anything different about Niall lately?” I kept my voice quiet so the other boys wouldn’t hear. I didn’t wanna make a big deal out of something if it in fact turned out to be nothing. 

His face crinkled up in confusion and thought for a second. “Well I guess he seems a little different but I think hes just really exhausted. That’s probably why he hasn’t been feeling good.”

Liam was usually right about everything, but this time I just had this feeling in my stomach that something wasn’t right. 

“I don’t know I just feel like something’s wrong. I’m gonna go check on him and make sure he’s alright.” I stood up and headed towards the door when Louis and Harry stopped me.

“Hey where you going it’s yours and Liam’s turn next!” Louis said

“I’m just gonna go check on Niall I’ll be right back”

Harry nodded. “Alright hurry back! And tell Niall if he’s feeling better to get off his butt and come join us!”

I nodded and headed out the door and down the hallway to Niall’s room. I knocked on the door once before opening it and walking in.

“Niall you feeling any b-“

I couldn’t finish the rest of the sentence as I felt the words get caught in my throat. Niall was scrambling to clean up the bathroom and there was a razor and blood and tissues all over the floor. 

* * * 

Nialls POV

I was sitting on the bathroom floor watching the blood drip down my arm. 

This time was worse than last night, there were cuts all the way from my wrist up to my bicep. This was relaxing to me, it was like time stopped for a little while and this was all I had to focus on. It made me feel like I could breathe again.

I had just started to clean up my arm with tissues when I heard a knock on my door. SHIT. 

I jumped up and started to pick up the tissues when Zayn stepped in my room

“Niall you feeling any b-“

I turned towards the mirror so my back was to him and froze. I had no idea what to do he was going to find out my secret and make me stop. This was one thing that was mine. That I had control over and I wouldn’t let him take it away from me.

I heard him come running into the bathroom before he was shouting at me.

“Niall what the hell is all of this?! What did you do?!” I could hear the panic in his voice and I swear I could hear both of our heartbeats racing.

I did the only thing I could think of. Lie.

“N-nothing Zayn I’m fine I just cut myself shaving its no big deal” I could hear my voice stuttering and shaking and I knew my excuse wasn’t going to fool him. Zayn wasn’t an idiot. 

“Niall turn around and look at me!” He shouted before grabbing my shoulders and spinning me around. His eyes immediately fell to my arms and he gasped. It felt like time was frozen. He just stood there staring and I knew he didn't know what to say, and neither did I. 

So I just stood there are stared at the ground.

“Niall..what did you do” his voice came out as no more than a whisper and I could hear the sadness and pain in it. 

I couldn't look up at him and I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks. 

“I-I'm sorry Zayn.” That’s all I could manage.

I didn't know what else to say. 

He didn't say anything else. He just pulled me over to the toilet and made me sit down. 

He grabbed a washcloth and wet it with warm water and then started cleaning up my cuts. I winced in pain as he wiped over a rather deep one. After he finished he looked through the cabinet and found large band aids and started placing them over the really deep cuts.

He wasn't saying anything and I was starting to get nervous. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Was he mad at me? That’s the last thing in the world I wanted. 

He helped me up and led me back to the bed and tucked me in and then went back into the bathroom to clean up. 

I rolled over and snuggled deep down into the covers and just let myself cry. I was crying for so many reasons. Zayn knew and was probably mad/disappointed in me, he was probably going to tell the others, and most of all they were going to make me stop. And at the moment, I wasn't sure I wanted to stop.

I felt my eyes start to get heavy and I had just let them drift closed when I felt the bed shift and Zayn snuggling in beside me. I stayed quiet as I didn't know what to say and I wasn't ready to turn over and face him yet.

We both stayed silent for a few minutes before I heard Zayn sigh and then break the silence

“Niall please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you can talk to me about anything...let me help.”

I slowly rolled over until I was facing him, but I couldn't look him in the eye yet. I didn't wanna see all the hurt and disappointment and maybe even anger in his eyes. I stayed quiet for a minute trying to gather my thoughts so I could try to explain to him why I was doing this, because honestly I didn't even know the answer to that. 

I took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. 

“I honestly don’t know where to start or how to explain to you what’s wrong because I’m not even sure myself. “

“Please just try” Zayn said, his voice gentle and having a calming effect on me now.

When I finally looked up into his eyes, my heart broke. I could see his eyes filled with sadness, hurt, worry, but most of all...he looked scared. 

I couldn't hold his gaze any longer so I looked down and took another deep breath. 

“I’ll try to explain the best I can. Zayn..I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m sad all the time. Every day I wake up and I force myself to put on this fake smile and laugh when I’m supposed to and act like I’m happy but I’m not and I don’t even know why. For the last couple of months, I haven’t even felt completely here. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. Doing the shows, the interviews, but it’s like I’m not focused on any of it. All I can think about is going back to the hotel and shutting myself away from everyone. Night time is the worst though. I just- I lay here every night and my head tells me these terrible things like no one cares about me, I’m not good enough to be in the band, no one wants me around, and I just lay here and cry and cry and cry. And I know I should be happy I mean I’m living the dream everyone wants with my four best friends. But I’m not Zayn I’m just not. And this was the only thing that helped, it makes me feel a little better...I’m scared Zayn.”

I had to stop because my chest was getting tight and I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

I felt Zayns arms wrap around me and I buried myself in his chest as his hands rubbed soothing circles into my back. 

“Shhh it’s okay. I promise it’s going to be okay. I’m gonna help you get better. You should have just talked to me Niall, you know I’m always here for you. We love you, and we wouldn't be One Direction without you, you have to know that. You mean so much to this band, and to me. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re alone or you don’t belong or aren't wanted because that is so far from the truth. “ 

I shut my eyes and just listened to his heartbeat and what he was telling me, his words calming me down. 

“I just wish you would have talked to me Niall. Told me you felt this way, told me what you were doing to yourself. I’m scared Niall. I’m scared of losing you.“ I heard him sniffling and tilted my head up to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“I care about you so much Niall, and you have no idea how important you are to me and this band. But we're going to get through this together okay? I promise."

I stared up into his eyes and couldn't help but believe every word he said. He moved his hand to rest it on my cheek and I leaned into his touch. 

“I will always be here for you Niall. I should have told you this a long time ago, but...I love you Niall. I always have.” 

I felt my throat get tight and my breath get knocked out of me. I couldn't believe I was hearing him say that. And I couldn't believe it took me until now to realize I felt the exact same way. 

“I-I love you too Zayn.” 

He started to lean in towards me and I shut my eyes and leaned in right back. 

Our lips met and I instantly felt tingles from my head down to my toes. His lips were soft and warm against mine and I rested my hand on the back of his neck to pull him in closer. Our lips moved perfectly in sync and he cupped his hand under my chin and deepened the kiss.

It was passionate but very gentle and caring like he was scared to break me. We both broke away from the kiss and the only sounds in the room was our breathing. Zayn smiled down at me and I couldn't help but smile right back. He wrapped his arms back around me and I curled into his chest. He ran his hands up and down my back until I started to drift off to sleep.

I was just about to fall asleep when I heard him whisper something to me. 

“Everything’s going to be alright Niall. Everything’s gonna be alright”

And in that moment, I knew he was right. 

As long as I had Zayn with me, everything would be okay. 

I smiled to myself and let myself fall asleep to the sound of Zayn’s steady heartbeat and the feel of his hands running up and down my back.


End file.
